My self esteem is completely shot. I mean that in the sense that it is non-existent.

There has been one person in particular over the past weeks who made me feel like I really made a difference in their life, that I really mattered to someone, somewhere. I felt useful, and I felt needed. They admired me, they respected me, and they made me feel like there was actually a point to my existence, that I was doing some good. I felt like I was the best.

Unfortunately I don't think that was the case. I know many of you will say that I am a nice guy, someone who makes a difference at Livewire and has done so in the past as well., but in this particular case I really did feel that I made a substantial difference, hell, I even felt special for the first time in a long, long time.

Let's be honest though, this is me we're talking about. I was propping myself up on those feelings, but my life wasn't getting any better. Those of you to whom I have spoken throughout the nights when I have cried know this. You know that my life has been in ruins all along. I still have no job, I still have no future, I still have no balls and no courage. You know that no matter how special or useful I have felt at times, I have still woken up every day and wished I hadn't, that all round me my life lies in tatters, worthless, a relic of the past, failed.

It has now been 12 weeks since my wife left. Despite how I might have felt that I had a reason to continue, that I might have felt useful, nothing ha s changed in that time as you know. If anything I have continued to hide behind sleep and sometimes alcohol. I don't have the balls to face life, to rebuild everything, and I continue to prove that with every passing day. In short, I am a waste of space.

I don't know what I am asking. Maybe I'm just venting. However it won't be long before I lose what little I have left in the world, such as the roof over my head, due to my inaction. I can't live off benefits forever, and indeed the money is already nearly run out. I don't' know what will happen to what material things I still have remaining to me, or what will happen to me financially or physically.

I only know that the best years of my life, when I was happy for a time, are behind me. The woman I loved is gone, and I have no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to get through another day after day.

What is the worth of my life? What is it's point on it's own? What good does it do anyone?

I've been kidding myself into thinking I mattered. I've been kidding myself into thinking I had something to aim for, a life somewhere out there in the future. But this is me we're talking about.

I never was any good. I only kidde myself into thinking I could actually achieve something in my life. I aimed for things that were out of my league. I eventually defined my life, when I had anything else left because of my weakness and subsequent depression by dedicating it to my wife, for fuck's sake. Even more recently I fell into the trap of believing that I was worth something to someone, that I mattered, that I made a difference.

The point is that regardless of this, I have never, and likely will never, find that recognition within myself. That's why I haven't sorted my life out in the last three months - because I don't believe in me.

I just realised last night, when I spent most fo the night crying, and talking on MSN, that I really don't see any point in myself. I'm an epic failure.

I apologise for wasting the time of those who have tried to tell me otherwise.

I know that you might not think it however it is possible but you have to take it a step at a time. Sort out one area of your life then begin on the next because you have so many different things which are affecting you that you shouldn't try to deal with them all at once otherwise you will just feel worse and like things aren't gong anywhere.

You have made a different to peoples lives and you are good at helping, and you should never forget that because you are a nice guy even though you really think you aren't it's not true. I've spoken to you when you have been on your "downer" nights and I just have faith in you that you can eventually pull through this however you need to find something to motivate you.

I thought this was the big kick up the arse you needed, then why aren't you using it hun? Just think you know you need to so something because you are going to end up losing the roof over your head and the possession which you have, which would be a shame because we all deserve to have things around us which we can call ours.

Well you need to start slowly believe in yourself because it will take time however it's not impossible, I believe that you Mark can do something with your life it's just right now you can see past the tears and the end of a bottle, which isn't good for you and you need to try and sort your attitude because otherwise you really aren't going not get out of this hole of depression.

It's a shame how others can see there is a point to your life, and you can't because i truly believe you can do something with your life it's just trying to find a way for you to be able to, which is needed for you to begin on the journey and be able to start rebuilding your life for YOU not for anybody else, because you are the one who have to live it.

I know this might seem like a lot of babble however I've spoken to you a lot and I've told you what i think however i felt that more needed to be said after reading your topic. Mark, you know I'm here if you ever want to talk about things.

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Dreaming Of A Day Where Things Are Different!

Send me Explicit, You know You want To

First things first. You need to get more positive. Yes, I know life's given you a shit time. I know you're having one hell of a time and you're feeling things that no one should ever have to go through. Thing is, you are. Your wife left you and you've got a lot of shit going on right now. No changing it. All you can do is accept this shitty situation and resolve to do something about it. I'm in no way implying that you're not doing a great job - simply getting through day-to-day is absolutely fantastic of you and I'm so, so proud that you have done. Thing is, though, letting yourself sit about in this pit of negativity isn't actually getting you anywhere now, is it? You've tried it. You've been sat in this pit quite long enough now, don't you think? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Now it's time to burn it and try something else. Your life isn't going to get better until you take the action to make it better. Again, I'm not saying you're not trying. I know you are. Let's just step it up a little, hmm? Keep searching for a job. Just something. It doesn't have to be something huge if you don't think you're quite ready for it yet. Something low key and fairly straight forward. Just something to get you out there, ok? Keep trying with that. Look online for jobs - whilst you're on LiveWire, surf the job sites. When you pop over to the shops for food keep your eye open for signs in windows. Anything. I reckon something small and low key is reasonably achievable and attainable. You CAN do this. Do you believe me? Do you believe it? Tell yourself. You CAN and you WILL do this.

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I still have no future...

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Now why in the world would you say a thing like that? Of course you have a future, love. We all do. Even when we've hit rock bottom, we always have tomorrow and you're no different from the next person. You have a future just like the rest of us. Even if your immediate future involves your low key job and the time it takes to make some friends and acquaintances along the way. Even if your immediate future involves only getting up and getting through the days. It's still tomorrow and it's still your future. Until you figure something else out, right? Don't you ever tell yourself that you don't have a future, though. This is where the negative thinking is coming in again. This way of thinking is so very detrimental to you and it's time to stop. It's time to get positive because you've been in the negative camp far too long.

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I still have no balls and no courage.

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This one's really difficult for you, isn't it? I know that. I've seen you give some spectacular advice about this though and all I can suggest is that you take a long hard look at that advice and apply it to yourself. I know it's hard. Life isn't that easy, I'm afraid. We all have to struggle on through and do the things that, well, feel like they're going to kill us at times. It won't kill you though. You're going to get through it. Aren't you?

I know you're waking up wishing you hadn't and that truly is awful. It's not something that's just going to go away, though. Slowly, very slowly, as you start to rebuild your life, maybe this feeling will start to fade. Maybe you'll only feel it once or twice a week. Who knows. We won't know until you start getting your life back in order, y'know? Fair enough, your life may be in tatters at the minute, but gosh, that doesn't mean your whole life is ruined. It just doesn't. You might have fucked up in the past but I ask you - who hasn't? We've all failed in some way or another at some point in our lives. That just it though. That's life. You can hold it against yourself forever and let it drag you down into the dirt or you can accept your past for what it is, accept yourself for who you are, and pick yourself back up and keep moving on. What are you going to do? I know you've got some fight left in you, or you wouldn't have typed this topic out. I know you've got some passion for life left in there somewhere or you wouldn't be on LiveWire, encouraging others to press on. You hope isn't all gone now, is it?

How in the world are you a waste of space? Your logic makes no sense to me, love. I don't know the pain and hurt your feeling, but I have seen that pain and hurt in others. And I do know that life goes on. Your wife leaving you absolutely shattered your world, I understand that, but it's not the end of the world. You might always love her, fine, but don't let her absence ruin you. It's in your hands and you know it is. Your life, what you do with it and what happens to you, it's in your hands. Getting a job and getting your life back together isn't going to be easy. It's probably going to be one of the hardest things you're ever, ever going to have to do. But you CAN do it. It's in your hands; it's entirely your decision. If you want to do it then you can. Simple as that, I'm afraid. Some of the best years of your life are gone now, yes. That certainly doesn't mean that you're never going to be happy again now, does it? Some of the happiest years in all our lives are now long gone. That doesn't mean we should just give up on life. Why should we? Why should you?

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The point is that regardless of this, I have never, and likely will never, find that recognition within myself. That's why I haven't sorted my life out in the last three months - because I don't believe in me.

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That, right there, is your biggest problem. Once again, the negativity. You're not even giving yourself a chance, Mark. Let's be honest now, yeah? You're not giving yourself a chance, are you? You don't even believe that you might possibly have a future, and in disbelieving any of it, you're not even giving yourself a chance! You NEED to change this negative way of thinking. You give yourself a reason for living. Even if, right now, your only reason is to get up the next day. To find a wee job. To learn how to make something new for dinner, I don't know! Anything. Life isn't some great big mystery. It isn't even some great big gift. It just is. What makes your life more pointless than the next person? What is it about you that is so pointless? We're all the same at the core - skin and bones and thoughts and feelings. We all have a right to be here because we were all given life. And then, on top of all that, you are so completely and utterly unique. No other Mark in the whole entire universe like you. None at all. It's like you're exactly the same as everyone else in that we all exist with no rhyme or reason, but in that, you're so very unique and special. Isn't that something?

We make our own meanings. We find our own purpose. We find it for US - not for lovers or wives or husband. For us, so we can sleep easy at night. It might take you your entire life to find a "point" to life. You can spend your whole life searching. It takes a lot, though. A lot of work and effort and tears and sadness, no doubt. And it takes some getting out there and positive thinking.

If you believe your life is already over then there's nothing more I can say. But I'll tell you right now that you're life is not over and you have a hell of a lot in front of you. It's just up to you whether or not you want to stick it out and fight for it. I think you do, though. You still have hope, I absolutely know it. Let that see you through. You can lose it all or can gain everything. It's your decision. It just sounds like you've got a hell of a lot more to gain with positive thinking.

Post edited at 1:31 pm on July 14, 2008 by amiee

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to turn the darkest room of suffering
to a greater state of pain
don't tell me that's behind you now, don't greet me
don't meet your dying blind