I feel the pressure hovering behind my eyes, and my legs sinking through the ground. There are so many emotions surging through me, yet none are willing to leave my system quite yet. It's too exhausting to put effort into this anymore. I just drag myself around everyday, like my body is that of a stubborn child, frequently unwilling to cooperate.

And I know that I have to put something into "treatment" or therapy or whatever, but I don't know how much I believe in any kind of result. Results, in the past, have made the present far more unpleasant. If I had the energy, I would probably kill myself. Maybe that's a bad thing, I'm not sure anymore.

So, I'm unwilling to invest in change, but I sit everyday stewing in my own misery. It's like I'm useless. I guess i am useless. At least for now. Maybe later. I know that emotions do not last forever. They come and go. I have no real reason to complain, but I am drawn to do so anyways. I'm just waiting for this ongoing sadness to end. Tally number god-knows-what.