Things began to get very rocky 1 and 1/2 years later. We broke up, but technically, it was just "a break" (or so I thought).

He began making my life hell. He intentionally hurt my feelings, and said things that he knew would make me cry. He wanted me to feel that my heart was on the floor, rolling in dirt - and he succeeded.  I couldn't sleep alone, so I slept on my moms lap every night. It was the only comfort I could find.

2 weeks after the break, he called me, and said it was absolutely over. He couldn't be with me anymore. The next day, hes dating my good friend.

I fell apart. How could she do that to me? How could HE? This man who I spent nearly every waking moment listening to him whispering how much he loves me; how he could never let go of me; how I was the reason he wasn't going crazy because of his family situations. He would go out of his way to make sure I was happy. To make sure I loved him as much as he loved me. I was so sure of his love. I never thought he could just...leave.

I hated him. I hated her but I HATED him. I hated myself for allowing myself to be so god damn naive. I was always so truly convinced that this boy could never hurt me in the slightest. But for him to do this, this terrible thing, put me over the edge.

After I saw them together, I went home, collected all the pills there were in my house (which there were many, my father has a thing for buying anything when it's on sale. Usually it's asprin from Costco)
The giant pill bottle came with 500. It was 1/2 gone, so I figured I at least downed 250. I took my parents prescription pills and downed them, too. I collapsed. I started shaking. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. All I could do was lay there, as my heart raced a million miles per minute. It felt like it was going to explode. I did the only thing I knew how to. I vomited some of it back up. Thankfully, that was enough to save my life.

My father came upstairs and found me on the floor, passed out but still shaking. He and my mom took me to the hospital that night. I was admitted to the mental institution inside.

I was broken. I almost killed myself. My parents were scared shitless. But they were also ashamed. How could their daughter, an absolutely normal daughter, MVP and captain of her soccer team, coach of another, fall apart like this.

As time went on, my wound started to heal. I always loved him. I knew I always would. But it was over. or so I thought.

My birthday came around 10 months later. He texted me saying the obvious. We started talking again. Memories started to flood my heart, feelings came back, everything. I wanted to give this another shot. So we did.

I'm not happy. It's been 7 months that we've been together this time around. and again I'm convinced hes crazy about me. But how could I really know. Look what he did to me last time, right? But I'm wearing a ring on my finger this time.

I can't forgive him. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive him. He chose her over me. He claims he was in pain - but how much pain could you have been in if you didn't even mourn? and with my FRIEND? MY FRIEND?! What an asshole.

I know I should forigve him if I want this to work. But I can't. It's just not possible for me right now. Im debating if I should just give us up all together. I love this man, I really do. and maybe he has changed, you know? Maybe he does mean it when he said those 10 months were the worst 10 months of his life. But how am I supposed to know? How can I believe him? After how he betrayed me.

Im stuck between my head and my heart. I'm always told to follow my heart, but it doesn't seem fair.

I'm sorry for the long post. I dont expect any of you to read it. and if you're reading this sentence and actually have read all of it, then Thank You. Thank You So Much. I know it's just another boring post about stupid relationship problems. But for me, this is my life.

In case you were wondering, I'm no novice. I have another account on here, and I've been here for 4 years. I didn't want to give myself up. So I created a new account.

Thank you.

However saying that, not everybody is the same, maybe he has changed? Everyone deserves a second chance, you only live once, make the most of it

If you aren't happy, don't be with him. Even if it hurts it's part of what we have to go through in life, If you think you can make it work put your all into it and just hope you get everything back from him, it's the best you can do.

You have to decide whether this will work or not, you have to chose whether you WANT this to work. But don't let yourself get into a situation where you aren't happy and you feel you can't get out of, because it won't be fair on you or him.

Message me anytime if you feel you need to talk to someone.

Post edited at 10:25 pm on Sep. 4, 2008 by Cawhax

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Reginald! Release the hounds!

A great philosopher once wrote naughty naughty, very naughty

The things you list at the beginning of your topic are not the thing one does when they are in "love". Or even in "like" How could someone who supposedly "cares" about you make your life hell?

And i quote "He intentionally hurt my feelings, and said things that he knew would make me cry. He wanted me to feel that my heart was on the floor, rolling in dirt - and he succeeded.  I couldn't sleep alone, so I slept on my moms lap every night. It was the only comfort I could find."

And for him to hit so close to home must have been such a shock. But there is NO WAY in my mind anyway that he would have called things off of his own accord. It may have been likely he intiated the "break" in order to get closer to your friend first before he called off anything with you.

I cant tell you how or why. Only that people can be idiots. Stupid, moranic and obnoxious idiots and yet this is what makes us all humans. We are all guilty of some horrific mistakes in our lives. But what YOU must concentrate on is the present, but giving partial acknowledgment to the past. Can you trust this man after all the pain and the hurt he has dealt to you??? And not only you but to your family too??? Because it seems unlikely that such a well expressed individual with good interests and better sense to induce vomiting after taking all those pillswould do something so out of character. :/ Mind you i dont know you but what you have said of yourself.

It seems like you may never have left his memory. And thats not uncommon. There's a great saying out there "we never know what we really had until its gone" And him getting back in touch with you may have shown that. Another example is of a good friend of mine. Her boyfriend of one yr. and a half, tried to go on a break with her and then called it off totally. Within 2 weeks he was back around her trying to get back into her life. She had shut him completely out and is now going to our grad today with a trainee pilot she met 2 motnhs after their break up. Having the choice between 10 other men who were intent on getting into her opened up diary. It doesnt mean she still doesnt care about him but he broke her heart and she cant see any way to forgive him for that. Granted its different for any couple. I am by no means its saying you cant forgive a person for an indiscretion. Its whether you can TRULY forgive them.

Maybe perhaps YOU need some time on your own if you want this to REALLY work. You state you want it to but simply cannot right now.

My advice would be to sit him down (again because i'm sure at one point you MUST have brought up the subject of what had previously happened?). And talk to him again. Tell him of this hurt and that there may be a chance for you, but you need some time to yourself. HOWEVER do NOT shut him out of the picture altogether. That will only drive him to find solace in someone else's arms. For my cousin, she allowed her current bf of 3 yrs. to contact her once a day for one hour MAXIMUM. This is when they were first going out and she had her friend admit he had had feelings for her.

Relationships run on two things. Communication and trust. The trust has evidently broke down so you MUST decide whether you are willing to LEARN to trust him again. You will never know, thats what trust is. Faith in a person. You have to trust that they know not to hurt you. Or at least not with intention.

Once you have decided CLEARLY what you want to do. (Because NO ONE can tell you to listen to your head or your heart but you.) then you can take the appropriate action. Whether its taking time to think about maybe going to couples therapy together and making a stance, forgiving and moving on stronger, together, its quite common these days and many happy couples are the better for it. On the other hand you would be considering him a stepping stone to the man who will love you better than he could and appreciate you for the fantastic individual you come across as. Its your choice. Because in the end this is your life and you must live it in such a way you are happy.

One thing is for sure, if you forgive him, you MUST forgive him completely. Which means no bringing it up if you have an argument. Raking up the past is rarely a good thing. Remember forgiveness is earned. You have to decide whether you will let him earn that forgiveness. Even if it means putting your own happiness on standby for a while if in the end you think you'll be happier for it.

If you've any questions about what i've wrote (apologies for lenght) or simply dont understand something, dont hesitate to pm me.

Best of luck. Dont ever doubt for a second that you deserve happiness! Everyone does.

Take care.
Keira.

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Ms.Iron fist dominatrixxx conspiring with Bryan for world domination baby!!!;)
Winner of Sweetheart of the year 2oo8. Quel le f*ck???
She's never alone for too long.

Here in your words is your instinct yelling at you,  "I know I should forigve him if I want this to work. But I can't. It's just not possible for me right now."   Why would you make a decision about the relationship that defies what your gut is telling you?